Sudden or expected death?

Since I became a medical doctor, I started to frequently think about death. Being around hospital makes me familiar with death, some of which are so suddenly happened, while the rests are following a very long painful uncured disease. Long before, I think sudden death is easier, because you don't need to suffer and you will not make your family busy with your disease. I saw so many chronically ill patients that must face their disease alone because they have no close family or just because their family do not really care anymore. Some people have to deal with very intense pain following a cancer, disabilities following an injured limb, or maybe depression following a rare disease without no available cures. I also see parents in their very late age that still have to take care their sick child, or husband that stays beside his sick wife. Some do it willingly and unconditionally, but some others don't. Some take those chances for granted, and just considered the patients' illness as a burden. In fact, taking care of sick patients is not an easy thing to do even for a family member. So I think it will become different if someone dies suddenly. If I suddenly die, no one needs to take care of me, except for my dead body. There will be no such medical cost that have to be spent for my cures and I just go or maybe leave some memories (only if people still remember me).

But then I feel scared. What if I die while I still have so many promises I should keep with or what if I die in my worst level of iman, when my sins are still not forgiven yet? What if I can not say sorry and last good bye to my dearest family or friends? It makes me think how fortunate people with un-treatable disease that being verdicted to die in days, weeks, or months. It does not mean I want to be sick, of course we have to keep our health as an amanah from Allah, but can you imagine what will you do if you only have weeks left for you to live in this world? Though in fact, there is no such guarantee that even a second after reading this we are still breathing, but it is very usual for healthy people to forget about the uncertainty of life vs death, isn't it? If I knew how long my rest of breath will be, I will ask Allah to forgive all my sins, I will only do good things, make quality time with family, and maybe make a death note or letters for all people I know. Every single day when I still wake up breathing is an extraordinary gift because I can still meet people I love and hug them tight. I will surely make only beautiful memories in my last day of life, for the sake of people I love.

And then all this thought slap me with question, why should I wait till I nearly die or diagnosed with diseases? I can just start it now, right? So to you all of my blog readers, please forgive me, because no body knows which post will be my last. And if you are in a very deep pain or only have some days left, do not stop to live your life. Acknowledge people you love and say it: that you love them, while you still have a chance.